This is far from the first commentary on Zoo magazine and the detestable comment made by Danny Dyer in a recent "agony aunt" page. Indeed, such is the speed with which the blogosphere seems to move these days, my comments probably seem thoroughly after the event.
For those not yet up to speed, Danny Dyer is an actor, TV presenter and now Zoo Magazine contributor. Someone wrote into the magazine asking for advice on how to get over an ex-girlfriend and Danny Dyer's advice was to cut her face so that no-one will want her any more.
Zoo magazine have published an unequivocal apology and said they will make a donation to Women's Aid (http://www.womensaid.org.uk/).
The comment by Mr Dyer was described as a "Publishing Error" (hence the title of this blog), which will surely go down as one of the greatest circumlocutions of all time. A publishing error? Someone endorses horrific violence and it is passed off as an error? The comments section on Zoo's website is growing by the hour. I won't include a link, as the website's content is gratuitous and sleazy to say the least, but the trend of the comments is satisfying - "I will be cancelling my subscription", "this apology is inadequate", "you need to include an article in the next issue on the problems of violence against women", "Danny Dyer and the Editor need to go". At least no-one is condoning the comment, or trying to justify or explain it away.
The reality is that lads magazines present a real problem in terms of the view and treatment of women that they perpetuate. To log into the comments section of Zoo's website you have to state your gender, except it is "bird" for women. It seems to me that this says it all. If anyone demonstrates an approach to women that objectifies them, treats or dismisses them as inferior and reduces them to an image for the sexual gratification of others then that is how those on the receiving end will see them and treat them. If someone keeps telling me that women are there to be used and abused then in the absence of any counter-balancing influences I am at risk of taking that attitude on board.
Now, we all, myself included, have to take responsibility for how we perceive and treat people. I cannot say, "Zoo and Nuts say women are meat and no-one told me different so that's why I behave this way". I have a responsibility to form a correct view of women, to treat them correctly and respectfully and not to blame the representations of others for my own attitudes. But I can help myself along the way by avoiding negative influences and embracing positive ones. I can avoid the top shelf, I can avoid Nuts, Zoo, Loaded and the rest. I can choose to see women in the correct light and to communicate the right attitudes to my children, especially my sons, so that they will grow up to respect women as well and treat them correctly.
But back to Zoo and its absurd apology. What was printed was not a publishing error. It was a publishing action. Words were typed up, proof-read, approved and printed. An error is something done by mistake, this bears all the hallmarks of deliberate action. If the error, or flaw lies anywhere it lies in the character of people who not only think this sort of thing, but commit it to print as well. Whether the reasoning was as cynical as "no publicity is bad publicity" or "this will get people talking" I cannot say, but there is something profoundly wrong in the heart of someone who will write such a thing. It's not funny, or ironic, or un-reconstructed. It is dangerous, moronic, horrific, misogynistic.
I have said plenty of stupid things in my time, things I wish I could take back, things that have hurt others. For what it's worth, I think the apology from Zoo should be in big bold type on the front page of their magazine, with no scantily-clad women as a distraction and it should read as follows:-
"I cannot apologise enough for what I printed. It not only displays a deeply disturbing attitude towards woman, it draws into question fundamental issues in my character. I am not sure what the comment I made says about my heart, but I will not contribute anything to any magazine or television programme until I have sought counselling. I will also spend time with victims of violence so as to better understand the realities of something I wrote about so flippantly. My comments were included in the magazine as a shameless exercise in self-publicity and every penny spent on the issue of this magazine in which my comments appeared will be donated to Women's Aid". That seems to me to be a good start.
I am sorry this is all a bit self-righteous. I cannot claim to have never treated women as objects. I have not always steered clear of objectifying representations of women. But I am not sure we need to be perfect in order to be able to point out what is wrong around us. I cannot critique culture from the point of view of "I'm perfect and you should be like me", but I can surely from the point of view of, "I've done things wrong and I am at times guilty of what I am condemning, but it IS wrong and it needs to change".
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Money money money
I get so cheesed off with money. It can do so much good, can change the lives of people so easily (for better or worse) and yet it and attitudes to it can be so destructive.
Sal and I seem to have struggled with money the whole of our married life. God has been so faithful with pay rises, unexpected gifts, provision from unlikely places and the support of family and friends and yet I continue to get so frustrated with money. We seem to be genetically incapable of working off our overdraft and staying in the black, we seem unable to say "no" to things we cannot afford and then get cross and stressed when we see "OD" before we are a week into the month.
My solution, unsurprisingly, tends to be to try to organise my way out of it. If I can budget a bit tighter, move this money around, cut back on this, then we'll get there. Not exactly the life of faith I am called to, not exactly life in all its fullness either.
God never promised me I would be wealthy, he never promised me that I would be free from financial worries, but he has promised me that he will never leave me or forsake me and that he will supply all my needs. Instead of trusting in those promises and looking to God in faith, I try to sort it out myself, despite being unable to and despite the relentless experience of the past few years of my efforts not working.
At my cousin's wedding a couple of years ago, I said to my Dad that I did not believe that our financial problems would be alleviated until I learned to trust God, that God was looking for me to have faith in him rather than trying to simply be more organised. I feel no further along that journey. Indeed, I shared the same sense with a friend at the pub last night. I cannot fix this, I cannot sort it out. Only God can. If I trust in him, he will never fail me.
I need to stop stressing and start trusting. Of course I need to be disciplined with my money and show good stewardship with what God has entrusted to me, of course I need to discern how I should use what I have to honour God and say no to what I cannot afford. But the call is to faith, to trust, to seeking God and finding peace, provision and fulfillment in him. Pray for me.
Sal and I seem to have struggled with money the whole of our married life. God has been so faithful with pay rises, unexpected gifts, provision from unlikely places and the support of family and friends and yet I continue to get so frustrated with money. We seem to be genetically incapable of working off our overdraft and staying in the black, we seem unable to say "no" to things we cannot afford and then get cross and stressed when we see "OD" before we are a week into the month.
My solution, unsurprisingly, tends to be to try to organise my way out of it. If I can budget a bit tighter, move this money around, cut back on this, then we'll get there. Not exactly the life of faith I am called to, not exactly life in all its fullness either.
God never promised me I would be wealthy, he never promised me that I would be free from financial worries, but he has promised me that he will never leave me or forsake me and that he will supply all my needs. Instead of trusting in those promises and looking to God in faith, I try to sort it out myself, despite being unable to and despite the relentless experience of the past few years of my efforts not working.
At my cousin's wedding a couple of years ago, I said to my Dad that I did not believe that our financial problems would be alleviated until I learned to trust God, that God was looking for me to have faith in him rather than trying to simply be more organised. I feel no further along that journey. Indeed, I shared the same sense with a friend at the pub last night. I cannot fix this, I cannot sort it out. Only God can. If I trust in him, he will never fail me.
I need to stop stressing and start trusting. Of course I need to be disciplined with my money and show good stewardship with what God has entrusted to me, of course I need to discern how I should use what I have to honour God and say no to what I cannot afford. But the call is to faith, to trust, to seeking God and finding peace, provision and fulfillment in him. Pray for me.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Pitch Black
I haven't forgotten my new blogging manifesto from a few weeks back, my promise not to waste my time and words on trite matters. I'm not going to witter endlessly about how cool the aliens are in Pitch Black. I have slightly loftier ambitions than that.
For those of you who who haven't seen it, Pitch Black is a sci-fi film from 2000, starring Vin Diesel (star of The Fast & The Furious, XXX and a bunch of other stuff very few of us have seen) as a convict being transported on a freighter along with some random passengers, when it is forced to crash land by a meteor shower that catastrophically damages their ship.
The planet they land on has three suns and therefore permanent daylight. This is fortunate, since light-sensitive creatures live underground who like the taste of human flesh and have very sharp teeth and claws. An abandoned human settlement with a transport ship is found and with it, the prospect of escaping from this hostile, dry planet. All they need to do is take the energy cells from their stricken ship and transfer them to the new vessel. Oh and then there is a solar eclipse, which brings the light-sensitive beasties up to the surface for a feeding frenzy.
If that all sounds like typical B-movie shlock, then to an extent it is. However, there are some genuinely thought provoking moments that bear some consideration.
Firstly, towards the end, one character who is one of the few who can pilot the ship is offered a chance by Vin's character to leave the remaining survivors behind but refuses the opportunity.
"Would you die for them?" says Vin. "I would try for them", she replies. "Answer the question", he insists. "Yes", she relents, "I would die for them". It is not clear to what extent he is moved by her attitude to change his own course, but rather than abandon all of them, he agrees to go back and help rescue the remaining survivors. A hardened, violent criminal, inspired by the example of selflessness he sees in another to change his course and live more sacrificially.
The remaining survivors make it back to the ship and Vin gets cornered by two of the underground creatures. Although he survives their attack, he is badly injured and the pilot come back for him, to help him back to the ship. Sadly, she is then grabbed herself and dragged off into the darkness. "No!" Yells Vin, "not for me!" He knows what kind of man he is, what kind of life he has led, how undeserving he is of this sacrifice, that it would cost someone their own life to save him. He almost cannot live with the idea that someone would do that for him, when he knows what sort of man he is.
But grace and compassion are like that. They do not look to what we deserve, but what we need. We may find it hard to look at the sacrifice of another for our benefit and struggle to accept it. "Not for me!" We cry, "I'm not worth it. I cannot live with the knowledge that though I deserved nothing you still did this for me". But He did. He did it anyway and we can only sit back in awe and then move forward in gratitude, humbly offering our lives in His service as a thank offering.
For those of you who who haven't seen it, Pitch Black is a sci-fi film from 2000, starring Vin Diesel (star of The Fast & The Furious, XXX and a bunch of other stuff very few of us have seen) as a convict being transported on a freighter along with some random passengers, when it is forced to crash land by a meteor shower that catastrophically damages their ship.
The planet they land on has three suns and therefore permanent daylight. This is fortunate, since light-sensitive creatures live underground who like the taste of human flesh and have very sharp teeth and claws. An abandoned human settlement with a transport ship is found and with it, the prospect of escaping from this hostile, dry planet. All they need to do is take the energy cells from their stricken ship and transfer them to the new vessel. Oh and then there is a solar eclipse, which brings the light-sensitive beasties up to the surface for a feeding frenzy.
If that all sounds like typical B-movie shlock, then to an extent it is. However, there are some genuinely thought provoking moments that bear some consideration.
Firstly, towards the end, one character who is one of the few who can pilot the ship is offered a chance by Vin's character to leave the remaining survivors behind but refuses the opportunity.
"Would you die for them?" says Vin. "I would try for them", she replies. "Answer the question", he insists. "Yes", she relents, "I would die for them". It is not clear to what extent he is moved by her attitude to change his own course, but rather than abandon all of them, he agrees to go back and help rescue the remaining survivors. A hardened, violent criminal, inspired by the example of selflessness he sees in another to change his course and live more sacrificially.
The remaining survivors make it back to the ship and Vin gets cornered by two of the underground creatures. Although he survives their attack, he is badly injured and the pilot come back for him, to help him back to the ship. Sadly, she is then grabbed herself and dragged off into the darkness. "No!" Yells Vin, "not for me!" He knows what kind of man he is, what kind of life he has led, how undeserving he is of this sacrifice, that it would cost someone their own life to save him. He almost cannot live with the idea that someone would do that for him, when he knows what sort of man he is.
But grace and compassion are like that. They do not look to what we deserve, but what we need. We may find it hard to look at the sacrifice of another for our benefit and struggle to accept it. "Not for me!" We cry, "I'm not worth it. I cannot live with the knowledge that though I deserved nothing you still did this for me". But He did. He did it anyway and we can only sit back in awe and then move forward in gratitude, humbly offering our lives in His service as a thank offering.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Fathers
I confess that the first I heard of this man getting a life sentence for fathering 9 children (7 of whom still survive) with his two daughters, was when the findings of a major case review were published yesterday. Apparently over the course of 25 years they fell pregnant 19 times, with 9 full-term pregnancies and then 2 newly born deaths. Horrendous, horrific, disturbing.
The case review was focused on the failings of agencies and institutions who perhaps should have identified what was happening within this family and done something about it. The names of the family members have been omitted in order to preserve anonymity, understandable with both daughters and their seven children still living with the devastating truth of what has happened.
It makes me want to cry. I am not so naive as to think that such things do not happen, that such behaviour is not possible. I know it is, but on a personal level I cannot fathom how a father would act in such a way. He will be branded an "evil man", no doubt. Perhaps even "inhuman" or "a monster". I've lost my temper with my kids plenty of times, been frustrated with them as I suppose all fathers do from time to time. But how does one get from that to the fate of Family Q? Labelling the father evil or inhuman may help to distance him from the rest of "normal" society, may help reassure us that he is an aberration and does not reflect on the rest of us, but the reality is that whatever happened to him as he grew up, whatever influences were exerted on him that helped to shape/mould/warp/mutate his character, he was once a helpless newborn baby, just like the rest of us.
What happened? No-one wakes up one morning and decides to become abusive. These things must surely fester, grow, develop. What happened to him? I'm not trying to excuse him. To suggest that he is a victim in all of this, that he could not help it because of the way he was brought up would be a ghastly simplification and a possible excusing of behaviour that was in some way, at some point, a conscious decision. What he did was horrific, inexcusable and all of my sympathies lie with his daughters, his son and the seven children who came into the world in the some of the most horrendous circumstances imaginable. I have prayed for God's grace and peace and healing to be with them, for the pain, the scars, the trauma to heal. I do not know them so I can do no more, but perhaps even if I did know them there would be nothing better I could do for them.
I don't know what the future holds for them, or what the rest of his life holds for the father. Does he now understand that what he did was wrong, the most horrific betrayal of his role as a father? Does he see no wrong in himself? I know that God is just and the judge of all mankind and will do what is right. Beyond that, I do not understand.
I hugged and kissed my children a lot yesterday, much more than usual. I told them that I love them and will continue to say it, mean it and show it. They are so precious to me and so much of their life, especially as grown ups will trace its roots back to how I raise them now. I have an awesome responsibility, an opportunity to help shape their lives and characters in the most profound way. Like the day my daughter first appeared in the kitchen in her ballet outfit and asked me, with eyes all expectant, "how do I look Daddy?" So much hung on my next words and thank you God, I got it right that day.
My God's grace be with all of us to be the men, the fathers God has made and called us to be. May our children be blessed to have us and may they feel the impact of our fatherhood throughout their lives.
The case review was focused on the failings of agencies and institutions who perhaps should have identified what was happening within this family and done something about it. The names of the family members have been omitted in order to preserve anonymity, understandable with both daughters and their seven children still living with the devastating truth of what has happened.
It makes me want to cry. I am not so naive as to think that such things do not happen, that such behaviour is not possible. I know it is, but on a personal level I cannot fathom how a father would act in such a way. He will be branded an "evil man", no doubt. Perhaps even "inhuman" or "a monster". I've lost my temper with my kids plenty of times, been frustrated with them as I suppose all fathers do from time to time. But how does one get from that to the fate of Family Q? Labelling the father evil or inhuman may help to distance him from the rest of "normal" society, may help reassure us that he is an aberration and does not reflect on the rest of us, but the reality is that whatever happened to him as he grew up, whatever influences were exerted on him that helped to shape/mould/warp/mutate his character, he was once a helpless newborn baby, just like the rest of us.
What happened? No-one wakes up one morning and decides to become abusive. These things must surely fester, grow, develop. What happened to him? I'm not trying to excuse him. To suggest that he is a victim in all of this, that he could not help it because of the way he was brought up would be a ghastly simplification and a possible excusing of behaviour that was in some way, at some point, a conscious decision. What he did was horrific, inexcusable and all of my sympathies lie with his daughters, his son and the seven children who came into the world in the some of the most horrendous circumstances imaginable. I have prayed for God's grace and peace and healing to be with them, for the pain, the scars, the trauma to heal. I do not know them so I can do no more, but perhaps even if I did know them there would be nothing better I could do for them.
I don't know what the future holds for them, or what the rest of his life holds for the father. Does he now understand that what he did was wrong, the most horrific betrayal of his role as a father? Does he see no wrong in himself? I know that God is just and the judge of all mankind and will do what is right. Beyond that, I do not understand.
I hugged and kissed my children a lot yesterday, much more than usual. I told them that I love them and will continue to say it, mean it and show it. They are so precious to me and so much of their life, especially as grown ups will trace its roots back to how I raise them now. I have an awesome responsibility, an opportunity to help shape their lives and characters in the most profound way. Like the day my daughter first appeared in the kitchen in her ballet outfit and asked me, with eyes all expectant, "how do I look Daddy?" So much hung on my next words and thank you God, I got it right that day.
My God's grace be with all of us to be the men, the fathers God has made and called us to be. May our children be blessed to have us and may they feel the impact of our fatherhood throughout their lives.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Chaos and Upheaval
It has been a momentous few days. An online glitch with the Playstation 3 led to some online contributor calling yesterday, "the day the earth stood still". Meanwhile, there is "chaos" amongst the Pussycat Dolls, as two of their members leave. Like I said, a momentous few days, but I have hope that we will come through this time of turmoil intact and find ourselves stronger for having steadfastly endured such turbulent times. Gamers will hopefully not have lost any online trophies they have accumulated and fans of The Pussycat Dolls will still be able to enjoy their back-catalogue and maybe, who knows, find another band to follow and appreciate.
For heavens sake people, is this what qualifies for news, calamity and upheaval these days. Do we remember Haiti? A few weeks ago, nearly quarter of a million people died and although the news has moved on, no doubt the lives of Haitians remain as chaotic, miserable and problematic as ever. Hundreds have died in Chile, millions remain displaced in Darfur. For the love of God, let's focus our lives, our energy, our thoughts, our time on something of genuine significance. By all means enjoy playing games and listening to pop music, but have some perspective. At a time when so many are suffering so much, the question of whether two men are going to shake hands or not when they meet is of less than no importance.
For heavens sake people, is this what qualifies for news, calamity and upheaval these days. Do we remember Haiti? A few weeks ago, nearly quarter of a million people died and although the news has moved on, no doubt the lives of Haitians remain as chaotic, miserable and problematic as ever. Hundreds have died in Chile, millions remain displaced in Darfur. For the love of God, let's focus our lives, our energy, our thoughts, our time on something of genuine significance. By all means enjoy playing games and listening to pop music, but have some perspective. At a time when so many are suffering so much, the question of whether two men are going to shake hands or not when they meet is of less than no importance.
Thursday, 25 February 2010
Dear Heroin
I read an article in Metro this morning about a young girl who got hooked on heroin. She wrote a letter to heroin, telling it how ashamed she was of how she had acted, how she wanted nothing more to do with it, was finished with it and was moving on with her life. Three weeks later, at the age of 17, she died of a heroin overdose. My heart breaks over such stories. Another life destroyed.
She said the following in the letter, "I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye", "I'm going to prove to everyone that I'm going to stay away from you", "I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me. I've got enough willpower to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be".
Her story would be tragic enough as it is, without the added dimension of this letter. How did it happen? How did she get caught up in such a deadly addiction at such a young age? Answers to these questions don't really help her or her family at what must be a time of unbearable sadness.
I don't know any heroin addicts, but I met one once and its hold as a drug is unimaginably strong. Clearly it was too much for Hannah as well, despite her protestations to the contrary. Her claims to be strong enough to beat it, of having enough willpower, all now ring hollow. Such claims from all of us, about all of the struggles, trials and temptations of life must also ring hollow too. We are not strong enough, we cannot beat it, we do not have the willpower. We are weak, fallible, fallen human beings and we cannot be better or do better just by willing. The power of positive thinking is a myth and a dangerous one at that.
I believe that power, true power, life-transforming, heart-renewing power can only, does only come from God. We cannot "beat it", whatever it might be, but we do not need to, because God already has. We are super-conquerors, through him who loved us. We can do all things through him who gives us strength. You see, none of this comes from us, none of it can come from us. It can only come from him. God is the answer. He is the strength we lack, the power we do not possess in ourselves. When Jesus died on the cross, he defeated sin, death, sickness, addiction. It was all triumphed over. These things are still around, but they are writhing around in their death-throes, rather than marching around in rude health. I cannot overcome my addictions on my own, but God's power is available for me to do so. If I trust in him, ask for his help and surrender my life to him, victory is assured. God has defeated it all.
I pray that God's peace, grace and blessings will be with Hannah Meredith's parents and wider family. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through and I do not presume that my words are any comfort. I pray that God would comfort you and that you would feel his love at this time and always.
She said the following in the letter, "I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye", "I'm going to prove to everyone that I'm going to stay away from you", "I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me. I've got enough willpower to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be".
Her story would be tragic enough as it is, without the added dimension of this letter. How did it happen? How did she get caught up in such a deadly addiction at such a young age? Answers to these questions don't really help her or her family at what must be a time of unbearable sadness.
I don't know any heroin addicts, but I met one once and its hold as a drug is unimaginably strong. Clearly it was too much for Hannah as well, despite her protestations to the contrary. Her claims to be strong enough to beat it, of having enough willpower, all now ring hollow. Such claims from all of us, about all of the struggles, trials and temptations of life must also ring hollow too. We are not strong enough, we cannot beat it, we do not have the willpower. We are weak, fallible, fallen human beings and we cannot be better or do better just by willing. The power of positive thinking is a myth and a dangerous one at that.
I believe that power, true power, life-transforming, heart-renewing power can only, does only come from God. We cannot "beat it", whatever it might be, but we do not need to, because God already has. We are super-conquerors, through him who loved us. We can do all things through him who gives us strength. You see, none of this comes from us, none of it can come from us. It can only come from him. God is the answer. He is the strength we lack, the power we do not possess in ourselves. When Jesus died on the cross, he defeated sin, death, sickness, addiction. It was all triumphed over. These things are still around, but they are writhing around in their death-throes, rather than marching around in rude health. I cannot overcome my addictions on my own, but God's power is available for me to do so. If I trust in him, ask for his help and surrender my life to him, victory is assured. God has defeated it all.
I pray that God's peace, grace and blessings will be with Hannah Meredith's parents and wider family. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through and I do not presume that my words are any comfort. I pray that God would comfort you and that you would feel his love at this time and always.
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Ashley & Cheryl Cole
I cannot imagine what they are each going through, their four-year marriage now lying in tatters. The human, self-righteous part of me wants to call Ashley Cole a cretin, a 24-carat moron who did not understand what a good thing he had. But the grace of God calls me to a different response. You see, my sin is no less black than his, no less obnoxious to the holy God under whose gaze we all live our lives. I am no better than him, no less in need of forgiveness, no more acceptable to God or deserving of his grace.
My heart goes out to both of them and although Cheryl might be seen as the victim in all of this, I am praying for Ashley as well. His ankle injury is jeopardising his chances of playing in the World Cup, his professional and personal reputation is shredded, he's facing a possible £400,000 fine from his team and it looks like his marriage is over. It is so easy to say that he only has himself to blame and he could have acted differently, but that could be said of us all. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Many will say that as a role model, a man in the public eye that others, especially the young, look up to, admire and imitate, Ashley should do better, that it is right that more be expected of him. My concern is that the fact that someone is in the public eye does not in and of itself bestow on that person the necessary character to enable them to live up to elevated expectations. Just because everyone is watching me, does not mean that I magically become a better man. It's a little different for, say, a politician. A young person planning to enter politics will expect to have their life scrutinised, will expect to be held up to exacting moral and ethical standards and, given a modicum of self-awareness, will reflect on whether their character is up to the task.
For Ashley Cole (and I suppose John Terry), they would have had no reason to consider the strength of their moral character when they set out on their chosen career. They would not have anticipated the level of interest in and attention to their lives that would arise in years to come and even if they had, it would not be unreasonable to expect their reaction to be, "who cares? I can play football. That's all that matters". Clearly that's not all that matters. The content of our character matters for all of us, whether we are in the public eye or not. No-one should be unfaithful, no-one should betray their marriage vows, but my point is that it is ridiculous to expect that someone attaining celebrity will by itself have a transforming effect on their character. Even if someone was self-aware enough to see a problem we all know that character flaws have no easy fixes. Such flaws sit deep, with strong roots and are not easily rectified.
So I feel so very sad for Ashley & Cheryl Cole. I feel sad that their marriage seems to be ending. I feel sad that Ashley Cole must bear so much abuse from a vicious, self-righteous, hypocritical and judgemental press. I feel sad that he appears to have failed to honour his marriage vows and that he did not have what it took to make his marriage work. I feel sad that no-one seems to have come alongside him and said, "this life is tough at times, let me walk with you and help you find your way". He seems alone, which is the saddest thing of all. May God's grace be upon you both.
My heart goes out to both of them and although Cheryl might be seen as the victim in all of this, I am praying for Ashley as well. His ankle injury is jeopardising his chances of playing in the World Cup, his professional and personal reputation is shredded, he's facing a possible £400,000 fine from his team and it looks like his marriage is over. It is so easy to say that he only has himself to blame and he could have acted differently, but that could be said of us all. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Many will say that as a role model, a man in the public eye that others, especially the young, look up to, admire and imitate, Ashley should do better, that it is right that more be expected of him. My concern is that the fact that someone is in the public eye does not in and of itself bestow on that person the necessary character to enable them to live up to elevated expectations. Just because everyone is watching me, does not mean that I magically become a better man. It's a little different for, say, a politician. A young person planning to enter politics will expect to have their life scrutinised, will expect to be held up to exacting moral and ethical standards and, given a modicum of self-awareness, will reflect on whether their character is up to the task.
For Ashley Cole (and I suppose John Terry), they would have had no reason to consider the strength of their moral character when they set out on their chosen career. They would not have anticipated the level of interest in and attention to their lives that would arise in years to come and even if they had, it would not be unreasonable to expect their reaction to be, "who cares? I can play football. That's all that matters". Clearly that's not all that matters. The content of our character matters for all of us, whether we are in the public eye or not. No-one should be unfaithful, no-one should betray their marriage vows, but my point is that it is ridiculous to expect that someone attaining celebrity will by itself have a transforming effect on their character. Even if someone was self-aware enough to see a problem we all know that character flaws have no easy fixes. Such flaws sit deep, with strong roots and are not easily rectified.
So I feel so very sad for Ashley & Cheryl Cole. I feel sad that their marriage seems to be ending. I feel sad that Ashley Cole must bear so much abuse from a vicious, self-righteous, hypocritical and judgemental press. I feel sad that he appears to have failed to honour his marriage vows and that he did not have what it took to make his marriage work. I feel sad that no-one seems to have come alongside him and said, "this life is tough at times, let me walk with you and help you find your way". He seems alone, which is the saddest thing of all. May God's grace be upon you both.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)